Matters of Church and State

ON TURNING 75

        Reaching the age of 75 is serious business.  You can begin to hear the footsteps.  When you reach 65 or 70, people say “you don’t look your age at all,” or you can comfort yourself with the old bromide “you’re just as old as you feel.”  But, at 75, the mirrors and your own body blurt out unmistakably:  “You’re old.” 

          Having reached that milestone a few weeks ago, I thought I would pass on whatever hard fought wisdom I have accumulated or learned from others along the journey and how these lessons might make it easier for you and me -- and, just as importantly, for others around us.

          First, start with the nose hair.  Yeah, that’s right, nose hair.  If you haven’t noticed, your nose hair has grown at a galloping pace, as if all the testosterone in your body has departed your nether region and headed straight towards your nose.  If you don’t have a wife to remind you, you may not have noticed because your eyesight isn’t what it used to be either.  But if you have not clipped your nose hair recently, chances are the hair is now the length of the ropes Tarzan used to swing on when you and I were kids.

          So, go buy a nose clipper – or weed whacker, as the need requires -- and put it right next to your toothbrush and shaving kit.  Use it.  Nose hair is gross.

 

          Ah, shaving.  That’s another thing.  When we were younger, even into our 40’s and early 50’s, we may have looked cool, even sexy, with a couple of days’ growth.  At 75, we look like panhandlers or street people.  Use your razor daily, if for no other reason than as a courtesy to your wife or partner.

          By the way, the word “cool” is a word that has not been used in the same sentence as a 75-year old guy since forever.  There are exceptions, such as Sean Connery and a few others.  But for most of us, we and “cool” parted company a long time ago.  “Sexy” left town even long before that.  So, don’t try to act cool; it’s embarrassing.  If not to you, at least to your family.  You don’t have to act your age either.  Don’t go that far.  In fact, old people who act their age are a pain in the ass – in Malls, shopping centers, and other public venues.  Like people owe them something special because they’ve occupied a place on this planet for a long time.  They don’t owe us anything. If we want special treatment when we get old, we should move to Asia.

          And, by the way, while we’re talking about Malls, go shopping with your wife if you haven’t done much clothes shopping for yourself in a long time.  When she’s is in a stall trying out clothes, walk over to the full length mirror and check yourself out.  Yeah, I know, it’s harsh and unforgiving.  Don’t look as cool in your faded jeans and tennis shoes as you thought you did, huh?  Me neither.  Homeless person perhaps?   Here again, young guys in their 20’s and 30’s can wear clothes that were rejected by the Salvation Army and still look cool.  We can’t.  So get over it and get some nicer clothes.  Again, as a favor to your wife or partner, if nothing else.

          Finally, for more substantive issues, let me turn to someone far more substantive than I – the anonymous author of one of my favorite pieces called “An Old Nun’s Prayer.”  I have referred to it occasionally over the years and think of it often.

  ·        “Lord, keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion.”

   

  ·        “Release me from craving to straighten out everybody’s affairs. Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy.

  ·        “Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.” 

 

  ·        “Seal my lips on my aches and pains; they are increasing and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by.”

  ·        “I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales of others pains, but help me to endure them with patience.”

  ·        “I dare not ask for improved memory, but for growing humility and a lessening cocksureness.”

  ·        “When my memory seems to clash with the memories of others, teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.”

  ·        “Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places and talent in unexpected people, and give me O Lord the grace to tell them so.

    AMEN.”

Jerry